An old woman’s monologue

She sat down with those deep wrinkles cutting through her face. She looks old, but in fact she is not. She does look hurt, frustrated and lost.

lossy-page1-409px-Ancient_eter.tifHiding under her big veil, that covers her hair and the upper part of her body, she flicked through the countless TV channels with her loose-skin hands. She talked while  jumping mechanically from one channel to the other. Lately, she has been into talking.

” I love your father so much. That’s why I haven’t walked out till now. But I also loved you, y’know.  Before, I wanted to make him happy, now I want to see him happy. I think he deserves much better than this.”

She stopped for a while, never looking at me. And never explaining what’s “this”. For a second I thought she will not continue and won’t reveal more, yet:

“I am happy with my studying now- I look forward to those four hours, but I am not happy with the way I look. Do you want to hear something I haven’t shared with anyone before? I have always wished I was beautiful. I was never the confident woman everyone thought I was. Expectation, expectations, expectations… you always have to meet expectations. I never believed I was beautiful. Part of me was flying over the moon when your dad picked me out of all the rest. No, not that I married him because I thought I couldn’t do better, however, deep within I wondered if I could afford to lose this marriage opportunity.

“You know what too? Sometimes I wish I didn’t marry someone who is my age. Look at me.. and look at him. That’s why women are supposed to marry older men, they won’t have to see themselves growing so incapable and unwanted.

“Yes, if I go back in time, I will marry someone older, and then I wouldn’t have to be all stressed out or fret about aging.

“Stress brings wrinkles and senility… days have went, eras have elapsed and I wish I had download (2)exercised those 30 minutes per day, or accepted that job offer in Canada or that huge multinational I told you about  before. It would have saved me a lot, can you imagine? Can you imagine how all of our lives would have been different if, back at the time, he encouraged me genuinely to take on a real job? Supported me…

“Enjoy your husband’s attention while it lasts, dear. You have a chance now, but you keep postponing things until your kids grow older or whatever. Why?!

I can’t look at the past and remember anything now! I can’t even remember the milestones of my own children as they grew up. It’s like someone else took over my life.”

She stopped and left the room.. and me bewildered…

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This entry was posted in Blessing, Growth, Life, Motherhood, stream of consciousness, thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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