Yes, Ma’am! I will apologize.. yet again!

Nothing worse than when you are own shortcomings become the reason of your constant humiliation, or even more, when they grow to be a cause for the embarrassment of your own children.

I lose my temper, not easily, but I do. And when that happens, it just happens. I often have every single right to be angry and indignant, but obviously the original trigger is never remembered or admitted once you start screaming and shouting.

I don’t usually use any obscene language or swear; let’s just say I come out too intense; I express myself loudly but I never lose track of what am saying. However; the bickering party and the witnesses to the scene will choose to ignore everything am saying, strip it out of all context, and just pin point a finger to my head as if I am some kind of a lunatic who has just crossed over from the other side of the world, and who is posing a threat to their balanced perfect immaculate lives. They decide am guilty as charged regardless of the main reasons that woke up the beast in the first place.

Am not defending my attitude, neither am I saying that it’s ok to shout and scream at people. All am saying is, intense people who are usually hot-blooded and emotional are not really crazy people who just go out there intimidating others based on their own assumptions and illusions.

C’mon, focusing on your opponent’s mistake does not exempt you from responsibility to the incident. It is exactly like dismissing a case of murder and freeing the guilty because the plaintiff made a mistake with the administrative procedures, though his actual argument is completely valid!

When I was younger, I couldn’t believe it when I got punished just because I shouted, despite the fact that am making sense. I thought it was so unfair. I still think it is. Using my own shortcomings against me, doesn’t make you a better person and doesn’t deny the fact that you are as faulty as I am; doesn’t change the fact that you have done me wrong; hurt me; or transgressed your limits.

Me being an expressive, natural, impulsive, spontaneous person who is so gullible as to let her emotions out easily, doesn’t make me worse than those who appear calm, act poised, yet carry grudges, say cunning things that leave marks in a low tone, patronize you subtly, or insinuate that you are a bad person in a meticulous elegant way! In comparison to them, I appear to be the mad woman, while they push my buttons, and retain the victims position.

As I grew up, I managed to nurture this pretentiously calm, but cunning person, to be able to survive a vicious work environment, which is literally waiting for me to trip to crucify me. Yet, am human. It is never easy for any of us to change who we really are and that includes the bad habits. I have come a long way, but sometimes under severe stressful situations, I slip back.

No one is ever kind to me when that happens. I end up having to apologize for something that I didn’t originally cause. On the other hand, the other party stands adamant not to take responsibility for their own failing. People start patronizing me, giving me lessons about how to control my temper, dah dah dah… I know, thank you! You are not adding anything and you are certainly not making any difference, if anything, you are alienating me even more.

But you know what, people who lose their temper don’t need your punishment. The sense Depression-loss_of_loved_oneof guilt that sinks in later is their retribution; the exhaustion and the negative energy they have to diffuse; the feeling that everyone is disdaining them; the knowledge that everyone has been looking at them with disgust and pointy fingers; the anticipation of the verdict which they know quite well will render them guilty as charged! When one becomes a parent, that’s the cherry on top of the cake! The embarrassment my children have to go through because of their mom’s shortcoming or may be the pity.. “Poor child, she must be very distressed being raised with a mom who screams like that!”

I have just had an incident in my daughter’s school-

Again, mistake is theirs, they won’t admit it. They don’t care. I shouted and they have it all on CCTV, as if I was going to deny it in the first place. The manager calls me and says in her very eloquent poised calm British accent and attitude:

“Even if we’ve made a mistake, you are not to lose your temper ever like this again and we will not apologize, on the other hand I have witnesses who think this was completely inappropriate. You either apologize to my staff, or remove the poor child from my place!!!!!!!”

Yes, ma’am! I will apologize.. and let you run away with your mistake, yet.. again!

 

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