It’s New Year’s eve …Thank you, God.
Friends and family are jubilating, laughing, and having fun; food and drinks; blessings everywhere… Thank you, God!
But just one question … why am I still sad?!
Why deep down inside me there is a heavy quelling sadness? Why is my heart clutched in veins of lurking pain and yearning?
I don’t know what is it? But You must know…
It’s unwaning pain.. It’s constantly there, behind the scene. I try to ignore it, but the more I do the more it hits harder. Sometimes, the void within seems so real that I want to delve with my bare hands into my chest, grasp it and throw it away.
Why am I always longing for something? What is it that I wake up each morning looking for? What is it that is missing and that is keeping me entangled in an elusive chase, breathless like a claustrophobic in a never ending maze?
Why am I always teary? Why most of the time and in the middle of all my successes and just when am surrounded by the most loving of people, I still feel lonely!
Why am I always seeking running away, yet when I do I can’t handle it? The solid crack-proof silent torments me, unbending and insisting not to speak up to me or let the calling come through.
What am I yearning for? Why are my eyes always looking beyond the picture? Where does my mind go when it meanders? And why when it nests back in my head, I feel more estranged, alienated, and distanced?
Dear God, I can hear a calling, but I can’t identify the words or the direction it is coming from. I am lost and tired and don’t know what to do. I keep seeking more of what I have or what I do. I work more, I write more, I mother more, I socialize more, I love more, I pray more .. but ..the void is still void, the silence is still devastating, and I am rendered exhausted and distracted and unable to celebrate my achievements!
It’s so hard when one cannot understand his soul and mind. Is this how people bring about their downfall? Is this how people’s lives disappear in a second because the mind tricked them into and illusory calling and they didn’t pay attention to what’s real?
Here it goes again, as I write those words.. the calling, the nothingness, the sadness, the tears, the longing, the yearning, the nostalgia, the belonging to something or someone or destination that is unknown! I run to the window in frenzy, I fumble with its lock, it opens reluctantly under the pressure of my trembling hands, I push my head out and scream into the night.. “WHO IS CALLING? WHAT IS IT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Silence.. again! I cry and cry till the window ledge overflows with my tears, I breathe in the cold night air; it fills me all up, all but the empty hollow part in my chest.
I sink in my chair trying to calm down, but the Thing from the unseen world keeps resonating driving me to the brink of madness.
It’s a new year. Hope is filling the world, the stars are shining bright, the winds are tender, magical things are probably happening all around me, the moment seems to be one of passing angels, still.. am sad!
The judges of the earth will accuse me of being ungrateful. But only You know that I am not. You know how thankful and appreciative I am. But I can’t take it anymore.. I am seeking your help.. Save me ..
Please, save me from the emptiness, from the curse of unfulfillment, from the curse of discontentment, save me .. from the Calling..