My Vows to the Shadow of Death

Death shakes life!

When death comes, the reality of life is no longer an established fact;

When death visits a household, it takes over; it becomes the only reality.

When death is around, it is so big that life transpires as so little.file000704292456

No matter how long one’s life is, when death barges in, it seems to have been so short. There will always be things that one would have wished to do better, or things that were waiting for tomorrow to be done.

When death is around, it has a strong aura, a powerful presence that can’t go unnoticed or be taken lightly, even among the wisest of us. Something inside us will always drop to the news of death of people we know or people we don’t know; people who are young or people who are so old and sick that death is their only option and it shouldn’t come as a surprise!

Because death is the unknown! And no one wants to die and be an unknown fact for this world; “even those who want to go to heaven, don’t want to die to go there,” as the late Steve Jobs puts it. And no one wants to be reminded that they will end up being chosen by death at some point too.

Regardless of what you believe in about what happens to us after life, we all fear death. Could be because no one ever came back and told us how it feels like; could be because it is a medium to another world where we can’t imagine ourselves or how we would look like there; could be because in most cases, we will be selected alone and we are not sure if we are going to be with people we are familiar with or not, and it could be because you are not sure if you are ready or if you’ve done enough to be able to meet God!

For me, that’s about it. I am not sure am ready at all. Am not even sure if am close to ready to face whatever that’s lined up next!

Every day I wake up with the intention: “Today is the day when am going to start working on it and make some changes,” but every day comes with its own baggage, and it just passes me by, and I go to bed not even sure if am still standing where I was at least, or if I was pushed several steps back.

During the morning, life takes me over in a sickening whirl, and at night, when it’s time to rest and sleep, the shadow of death always visits me, freaking me out. I keep pledging and apologizing:DSC00092

“I am sorry; I know I wasn’t a good girl. I know that days are lapsing, bringing me closer to that date between us. That date which you know and I don’t. And I know what I should be doing in order for this date to be a good one and I know I haven’t done anything about it yet, if not have gone worse already. But can you please let me sleep safely today, give me one more chance until tomorrow and I promise I won’t be as bad. I promise I won’t let life sweep me, and I won’t forget all about you. Just let me sleep and, tomorrow, I will take action.”

Isn’t this the case always?! Death is the only constant consistent truth we have, while life is ever changing and elusive to the extent of feeling at times like a very long dream. Nevertheless, we only focus on life and manage to ignore the only real thing we know for sure is going to happen. Isn’t it strange how we cling to what will eventually leave us empty-handed?

Sunshine always disperses the shadow of death.  Is it because it’s just a shadow that the sun puffs away like night ghosts? Or is it because the daylight in itself is the delusion that blinds us from seeing the reality of death; the distraction that makes us forget that every night we die, and that every day we are resurrected? We never recognize this as a daily miracle.. a new chance to set right what we know is wrong. It is always a chance for us as separate individuals to make the world a better place, because we have this power though we never realize it.

When Death decided to summon my uncle to its dark land two weeks ago, it had already been playing with my mind for quite some time. In fact, ten days before my uncle’s demise, I woke up with a pressing urge to call him, though we were not used to talking frequently.  But as the same old story, I let life come in the way; I succumbed to the conquering sunshine, and I forgot about Death, till that morning when I knew he died. I also discovered that this urge to call him was mutual, as he did ask about me few days before he was gone.

I never got the chance to say thank you. I wanted to say thank you for always expecting so much from me, for the so many hopes he had. At times I couldn’t deliver, or I didn’t see the potential he saw. As I look now, he definitely must have seen something in me; lots of things that I could do that I didn’t believe or realize I can. He believed he could trust me with his message and that of his father. Was I supposed to be the one to carry the flag onwards? Was I the chosen one?

Now as death have taken him away and while it is continuously playing harshly with my mind with its scary constant night visits, am starting to think more about life too.

What are the things that I want to do through my dream (life) that could make my reality (death and beyond) a better place.

I want to die like my uncle! With a mark in the Now which would impact the Hereafter. I want to die with a message that still needs to be carried onwards. I want to die knowing I have helped make the life of anyone else better.

I want to take that leap from intention to action.. explore a whole new world of potential. I want to unearth all my capabilities and go dig for that girl that my uncle saw.

But then again …

I am writing these words with Death’s shadow at the back of my mind, waiting for me to renew my night vows. Would I still remember those promises and words tomorrow morning under the blinding sun, and amid the loud fake buzz?DSC00235

 

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This entry was posted in Death, Life, Mind, Spiritual, thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to My Vows to the Shadow of Death

  1. Doaa Nour says:

    We all need to take that leap from intention to action…that is the key word!

  2. Big mo says:

    Edgar Allen Poe would feel miserable after reading this!! Keep it up..

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