– “No, no, no .. hang on to that dream!”
– “No, please, no .. I know you are not the best of my dreams, but please don’t puff away. I don’t want to wake up.”
Her eyelids fluttered, shaking off a sleep she was striving to hold on to. They kept opening up and she kept closing them down. God! Why are her mind and body conspiring against her?
Slowly, her organs started waking up one after the other, bringing her back to life; to another hectic morning. But today’s morning was expected to be even more tiresome, irksome and tormenting. Her bed was her safe haven, but it has refused to keep her in more than this.
Her legs were fidgeting already, can’t wait to jump up. It was 6:00 am, it was their time, and it was her mistake she has never trained them to listen to her and sleep a little more, when she needed it. And right now, she wanted this state of slumber more than anything in the world.
She knows the moment she is on her feet, that brain of her will start its torture.. so early in the morning! She braced herself for a very long day; the day she was dreading for so long now.. ever since she took her last decision.
Her hands had already pushed away the covers before she even realized it. In a fraction of a second, she was officially awake and so was her vivid imagination.
He must still be asleep now. No. He is probably awake in bed, stretching like a lazy lion, which knows is going to have some fun today. He must be excited, extremely excited that is, and boiling!
“Boiling!” Oh, the water is boiling.. focus! Pour your tea and get ready for work as you do every day, after all, it’s just another day .. nothing new, nothing has changed. Only hope is gone today.. that’s all, the desperate hope you were so crazy as to bury in your heart, wishing one day it will flower instead of die! Well it’s dead now. Or maybe it never existed in the first place. Maybe it was just the result of the sophisticated fabric of her delusional mind.
Fabrics.. her wardrobe needs a makeover. All her clothes look so dull this morning. She is dull this morning. She needs to do something different. May be cut her hair or change its color. The clock is ticking and she is going behind her daily schedule. She has to make a decision about what to wear.. and she has to look absolutely stunning, confident and comfortable. She is not going to give in to the urge to put herself into a pair of baggies and indulge in a bucket of ice-cream or a have a chocolate bar for her breakfast.
In the end, why would she compromise her recently hardly achieved lifestyle? Certainly not for him. Not even if she knows that today he has chosen to be happy away from her. Doesn’t matter. She is happy too; she is even going to wear white. A white dress to work.. perfect! A bit over the top, but that’s what she feels like now.
He must be preparing his vows of lies. It’s so good not to be the victim. She is so blessed she has seen it all early on. There are no regrets whatsoever. It was her decision to walk away. She chose the side she wanted to be on, and it wasn’t his. He wasn’t a safe bet and her life required a fair and safe game at the moment.
“Drive Safely!” She should listen to those road signs and stop her mind from wandering over the highways. Her best memories were on the highways .. with him, in his fancy leather car. He was very good at this; selling her the fancy dreams of luxuries; conjuring up a picture of a life he knew well she craved but never had and couldn’t have.
He was her magician. With his magic wound he took her through a vivid pain-free fairy world, where he was the prince and she was the princess; where he would take her around the world in one day, escort her to gown balls, move her around a dreamy tango, and be her knight in the vain romantic era of ladies and gentlemen.
That was his secret. He knew her inside out, yet he acted like he is excavating everyday a new space in her mind, pretending to be blown away with his new discovery.
It’s the first day of the week. And it’s only been two hours since this long day has begun. She can’t keep wondering away like this. She will get organized in a bit. “Sit down and start reading your email, and get some work going.”
She plays her favorite music playlist.The time boundaries dissolve, and suddenly he is around her. She could feel his touch, she could breathe him in, his smell blow away all the words, all the blame, and all the hate from her mind.
There is no past and no future when he is holding her. Only the present moment. Like she is wrapped up in a thick sun-blocking fog; exciting, enticing but dangerous. Each step into the mist can bring about a long-sought adventure or drive her to a slippery ramp to doom.
He smelled of sweet danger, bittersweet like her morning work coffee. The computer comes back to sight. The minute her fingertips hit the keyboard, her phone buzzes. A common friend texting:
– “Are you ok?”
– “Is it all done?” She replied back.
– “Yes! He is married.”
A sad smile crept to her face.. while something inside her seemed to collapse so suddenly and then stop.. forever…
Her boss walked in, took a look at her white dress, and then asked for a document that she was supposed to hand in this morning.
She nodded, turned to the computer, turned off the playlist, opened a new document and started typing away…